i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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