I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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