Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
