my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
