does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
