oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
