first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I want her autograph on my taint
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
