I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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