I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
