i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
