I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
