Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
