I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
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I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
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I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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