Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
