Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
