I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
