this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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