Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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