She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
