I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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