My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I think people are normalizing furries
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
