So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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