Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
he quoted the bible to break up with me
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
