i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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