While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
