do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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