life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
