I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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