so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
