I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
