She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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