i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
