I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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