he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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