i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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