You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
