I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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