Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I am full of burrito and curiosity
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
