We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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