my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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