Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I met the friendliest cop last night
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
