Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
