I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
