I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
