Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
