New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
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I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
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You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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