forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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