I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
