life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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