fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
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