when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize