yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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