wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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