I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
His hands were made for my vagina.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Randomize
